O MY DEAREST..

So many years behind us,

So many chats among us,

So many miles between us,

O my friend, do you remember them?

The first day I saw you,

The first day we talked to each other,

The first day we walked home together,

O my dear, can you forget them?

Those long walks in the night,

Those long talks on the phone,

Those long times which looked short,

O my sweetheart, do you miss them?

The longing to see each other,

The craving to meet each other,

The feeling to be each other,

O my darling, did we lose those?

That week in realizing,

Those days in waiting,

Those seconds of silence,

O my sweetest, did you realize them?

Those many grand surprises I planned for you,

Those many small gifts I wanted to give you,

Those many mesmerizing moments I wanted to share with you,

O my beloved, did you know them?

A life full of simple things,

A collection full of sweet memories,

A future full of many more tender moments,

My dearest, did you want them too?

Those feelings I wanted to hide from you, yet wanted to let you know,

Those thoughts about you, which I could never tell you,

Those words I thought I would tell you,

But my love, did I tell you them ever?

IF ONLY..!!

No wonder he likes her.

He stays awake all the night to see how pleasant she looks in her sleep.

He doesn’t hang up on the phone, even if she falls asleep while talking, just to listen to her breath.

He, the most talkative person, becomes the best listener just to savor the sweetness in her voice.

He becomes a kid just to make her take care of him.

And, he makes her a kid when he wants to take care of her.

He cares about her more than he cares about himself.

He flirts with her, but is actually serious about her.

He is her strictest teacher and her most obedient student.

He tries to act indifferent towards her, but cannot hide his feelings always.

He chalks out plans and makes out stories just to have a glimpse of her every day.

He likes her more than he likes anyone else, or even more than anyone likes her.

He knows that he lives his life to the fullest when he is with her.

He wants that happiness to continue throughout his life.

He is the one who makes her most angry, yet he is the one who pacifies her.

He makes her cry, he makes her laugh, he makes her happy, he makes her sad.

Thus, he makes her feel everything and he makes her feel “life”.

He shows a fresh face and facet of himself that she does not get bored of him.

He becomes everything she wants and everything she doesn’t want.

He wants her to be him and that there is no difference between them.

He knows it is complicated and difficult.

He told me how deep, complicated yet how beautiful it is, by choosing not to talk about it.

No wonder, he loves her..!!

But, if only she realizes that..!!

A REAL DREAM? OR A DREAMY REALITY?

DREAM... A word which I used to love. An action which I always used to indulge in. Or at least, so I would like to believe. For me, dreams are REAL. I don’t see a difference between a dream and the reality. Dreams are just extensions of the so-called reality. Most of the times, you want your dreams to become real. And sometimes, never. I’d rather prefer to call the dream an imagination. For a piece of reality, there can be many ways in which it can be extended. I, personally, imagine or dream, all such possibilities. Hence, I “dream” a lot.

I was called a dreamer – a day dreamer. I was in fact happy about that. But, slowly and steadily, that impression on me changed from a dreamer to a rather impractical person. I believed it to be true. I believed that dreams and practicality do not exist together. And it is a contradiction that I’m a practical person, given that I’m already a dreamer and contradictions do not exist. I chose to believe that I am a dreamer. But, I started hating it when people stopped being close with me citing my impractical nature as one of the many reasons. I started hating myself whenever I dreamt. But, I didn’t realize that I work very hard to make those dreams real, and sometimes not to make them real. I didn’t realize that I was a practical dreamer, and that is NOT a contradiction. As Gandhi said, “I am, indeed, a practical dreamer. My dreams are not airy nothings. I want to convert my dreams into realities, as far as possible.” I did not realize that dreams, as they are called, are nothing but an intricate work of my mind. It was my creative and imaginative brain working its way out to make the so-called reality more beautiful. And I was working to make those dreams come true. Which part of it is impractical? Which part of it describes me as hence, weak?

But, recently when I stopped “dreaming” and started being “practical”, I had a thought. A thought, when thought upon, became philosophical and I had to stop thinking. (Philosophy is not a subject I’d really want to go into now). The thought was “WHAT IF THE PERCEIVED REALITY IS ACTUALLY A DREAM? What is everything we see, we do is what we are and what we want to be in the dream? What if this is a very long dream which we are unable to shut down? How can you be sure of what is real? How can you prove it? Should you go along with everyone and call it a reality? I’d like to call this state as an alternate “dream” world, something like, an alternate reality. Food for some thought..!! A real dream or a dreamy reality??

Disclaimer: - I haven’t watched the movie INCEPTION by the time I completed this post. This post is a thought which I got long before I even knew that such movie exists.

P.S: For those who don’t mind getting a little philosophical, the thought actually went on like this. It is said that life is the time your eyes are open and death is when they are closed. What is it is the opposite of that? You are asleep and your dream called life starts. You end the dream by opening your eyes. But, I don’t think I’d really like to believe that I’m asleep when I’m living my life. So, does everyone!!

P.S. 2: I am a Piscean. And Pisceans are “supposed” to be day dreamers. Hence, the post..!! :P ;) :D

I AM IN LOVE

Yes. That is true. However shocking or surprising it may be, it is TRUE. I am in love. Not at the first sight, though. But it was gradual. There was no friendship prior to that. And hence, there would be no break-up later. Yeah, I am in love. And before you people think and dream about everything and anything possible on this whole earth as well as other planets and galaxies, let me help you. I am in love with a CAMERA. People have their own different reasons to love something. I do, too. (Actually, I never wanted a reason to love. But I do have few reasons now). I didn’t realize that I love a camera until recently. To be more precise and frank, I realized that only last night when someone asked me why I didn’t bring my camera when I went to bid farewell to one of the seniors who graduated and left Madison today. The question looked to me as if why was a part of my body missing. I, myself, didn’t realize that. I didn’t realize that a camera, mostly mine, has been hanging down from my neck from the past 3 days continuously, the reasons not being of much importance now. And I also didn’t realize that I absolutely LOVED taking photos. Of people. Of landscapes. Of the birds. Of the animals. Of the buildings. Of the traffic. To cut it short, of EVERYTHING.

I used to use a camera just like everyone, rather, most of the people. I used to take photos (most of the time, try to be in the photos) only for some events like birthdays, get-togethers, tours etc. I used to take photos because that’s what happens for every event. But, I didn’t find the actual reason everyone says or feels acceptable. To have a memory of all those so-called SPECIAL moments. Not that the reason is unacceptable. But I found that reason too much clichéd and hence, I didn’t like it. Nevertheless, I didn’t care to reason out my liking towards taking photos. And lately, I have started liking to be behind the camera and take photos than to be in front of it and be in the photos. I didn’t care to reason that out either.

Last night, when I was walking back home, I started reasoning this out. And I actually found quite a few reasons. I like to see people as ‘I’ want them to be, and not as they actually are. I see the world as beautiful and that may not be the truth always. I see it as innocent. I see it as pure. So pure that I actually get shocked so much when I find the truth, often, that it is actually not, it takes so much time for me to come out of that shock. I see people as equally pure. I see only happiness in everyone, even in myself. But the truth is not exactly that. Everyone is not happy with what they have or what they get. They want something more, or at least something else. Mostly, because they cannot accept what they have. And many a times, it becomes difficult for me to accept this, not that I don’t understand it. For the same reason, I stopped talking to people (Yes, I was a very talkative person). To be truer, I stopped talking to people so that I need not know them. And so that they don’t know me. And so that, I am not vulnerable to getting hurt.

I needed help from a third-party which shows me people as well as this world as beautiful as possible. And that’s precisely where this camera came to save me. It acts like a shielding screen between me and the world. It shows me people. It tells me who they are, but not what they are. It does not tell me who hurt me. And that does not make me feel, rather, realize that I am hurt. And that is sufficient for me to let me see them as beautiful as ‘I’ want them to be. It shows me the people the way ‘I’ want to see them. It shows me the world the way ‘I’ want to see it. It just shows me everyone and everything as beautiful, as pure and as sweet as ‘I’ dream of. It doesn’t judge me. It doesn’t discriminate me. Most importantly, it doesn’t test me. It doesn’t care whether I am strong or weak. It doesn’t care whether I am childish or mature. It doesn’t care whether I am a kid or a grown-up. It doesn’t care whether I am a dreamer or a practical person. It cares so much about me by not caring those things about me. It accepts me AS I AM, however I may be and whatever I become. It sees me as beautiful as it sees anyone else. It doesn’t shut me out. It doesn’t leave me unless I give it to someone else. And when it is in my hands, it becomes mine in every sense. And what else do I want to be in love with it?

P.S.:- I read somewhere that Pisceans tend to see the world with rosy eyes. I am a Piscean. That does not mean I defined myself according to what I read. More importantly, don’t you dare to define me in a particular way. I can be everything you want and everything you don’t want at the same time. And I mean it.

A video which I directed..!!

There you go..!! My 2nd directorial venture..!! My 1st one needs some more trimming at the editing desk..!! So, not uploading that at the moment..

Enjoy this..!!

A battle…against LIFE..!!

I am not afraid of being alone. Because, people say that a man is never alone. At least, his thoughts won’t leave him ever. But, I dread loneliness. However, loneliness too never leaves me. It dreads itself. It prefers staying with me. It has become my constant companion, rather, my adobe. Silence has become my character. Loneliness has become my adobe. Depression has been my state. And tears, my constant companions. Occasional smile has become my mask to hide those companions. And frustration became a habit. Irritation and anger have become unwelcome immigrants. Faith has been lost. Trust is no more. The most important, there is no hope. Friendship is just another fear that I get hurt again. Happiness has become a distant dream. And the result, I grew numb. I am still not sure if I’m numb or strong. It doesn’t make any difference to what it is as long as I don’t feel the pain.

I waited… with a hope...that my waiting will be justified...that my questions will be answered...that I will be with everyone as I want them to be...that the world will be as normal as I want it to be...and that I can be myself back again!! The question is... Can I wait forever?? I knew the answer… even if I can, it doesn’t make any difference.

That hope is lost.........I don't know if I'll ever return back!!!

“The hardest moment in life is not when you lose something and tears come out of your eyes. It is when you know you are losing something and you are forced to smile.”

Life has become a battle. A lone battle… a battle against myself… a battle against everything what I became to become what I want to be… a battle against LIFE..!!

So, what is the solution? First of all, is this a problem to be solved? Or is it a way of life to be accustomed without complaint? Is it a way of life? Or just a phase of life?

P.S: This is a post which I started lo00…000ng back. I couldn’t complete because I didn’t know how to. Got the right words now, but not a post concerned with the present.

P.S 2: I wrote and will be writing a few more posts concerned about myself, what I feel etc etc…blah...blah. If you think what I write and what I feel is self-pity, it is definitely YOUR problem and NOT mine. I am empathetic (NOT sympathetic) with myself because I love myself so much. If you cannot be empathetic with me or anyone else or at least with yourself, go see a psychiatrist. And for those who don’t know the difference between being empathetic and sympathetic, go buy a dictionary.

Sankranthi..!!

Where are the lush green mango leaves tied at the entrance of the house? Where are those bulls adorned with colorful clothes and made to dance to the tunes of 'sannai'? Where are those oil lamps in front of the deities? Where are those design patterns made on the ground outside the house with rice flour and different colors which create a beautiful 'rangavalli muggu'? Where are those new clothes which I wear and jump around everyone to show them? Where is my father who wakes up before dawn and tries to wake me up for so long? Where is my mother who makes those delicious sweets and other mouth-watering food items? Where are those elders to whom I bow and touch their feet to take blessings? Where are those so many relatives and friends whom I call and wish? Where are those so many strangers whom I

knew very well while walking on the road? Where are the temples thronged with crowds on this day? Where are those girls in their traditional attires? Where are those boys who run around to make sure everything is in place for the rituals to be performed? Where is the happiness that jumps around? Where are the smiles that are contagious?

I truly miss India. I miss my parents. I miss Sankranthi..!!