A video which I directed..!!

There you go..!! My 2nd directorial venture..!! My 1st one needs some more trimming at the editing desk..!! So, not uploading that at the moment..

Enjoy this..!!

A battle…against LIFE..!!

I am not afraid of being alone. Because, people say that a man is never alone. At least, his thoughts won’t leave him ever. But, I dread loneliness. However, loneliness too never leaves me. It dreads itself. It prefers staying with me. It has become my constant companion, rather, my adobe. Silence has become my character. Loneliness has become my adobe. Depression has been my state. And tears, my constant companions. Occasional smile has become my mask to hide those companions. And frustration became a habit. Irritation and anger have become unwelcome immigrants. Faith has been lost. Trust is no more. The most important, there is no hope. Friendship is just another fear that I get hurt again. Happiness has become a distant dream. And the result, I grew numb. I am still not sure if I’m numb or strong. It doesn’t make any difference to what it is as long as I don’t feel the pain.

I waited… with a hope...that my waiting will be justified...that my questions will be answered...that I will be with everyone as I want them to be...that the world will be as normal as I want it to be...and that I can be myself back again!! The question is... Can I wait forever?? I knew the answer… even if I can, it doesn’t make any difference.

That hope is lost.........I don't know if I'll ever return back!!!

“The hardest moment in life is not when you lose something and tears come out of your eyes. It is when you know you are losing something and you are forced to smile.”

Life has become a battle. A lone battle… a battle against myself… a battle against everything what I became to become what I want to be… a battle against LIFE..!!

So, what is the solution? First of all, is this a problem to be solved? Or is it a way of life to be accustomed without complaint? Is it a way of life? Or just a phase of life?

P.S: This is a post which I started lo00…000ng back. I couldn’t complete because I didn’t know how to. Got the right words now, but not a post concerned with the present.

P.S 2: I wrote and will be writing a few more posts concerned about myself, what I feel etc etc…blah...blah. If you think what I write and what I feel is self-pity, it is definitely YOUR problem and NOT mine. I am empathetic (NOT sympathetic) with myself because I love myself so much. If you cannot be empathetic with me or anyone else or at least with yourself, go see a psychiatrist. And for those who don’t know the difference between being empathetic and sympathetic, go buy a dictionary.

Sankranthi..!!

Where are the lush green mango leaves tied at the entrance of the house? Where are those bulls adorned with colorful clothes and made to dance to the tunes of 'sannai'? Where are those oil lamps in front of the deities? Where are those design patterns made on the ground outside the house with rice flour and different colors which create a beautiful 'rangavalli muggu'? Where are those new clothes which I wear and jump around everyone to show them? Where is my father who wakes up before dawn and tries to wake me up for so long? Where is my mother who makes those delicious sweets and other mouth-watering food items? Where are those elders to whom I bow and touch their feet to take blessings? Where are those so many relatives and friends whom I call and wish? Where are those so many strangers whom I

knew very well while walking on the road? Where are the temples thronged with crowds on this day? Where are those girls in their traditional attires? Where are those boys who run around to make sure everything is in place for the rituals to be performed? Where is the happiness that jumps around? Where are the smiles that are contagious?

I truly miss India. I miss my parents. I miss Sankranthi..!!

I WANT SOMEONE..!!

I want someone who can be my friend, as well as support..

I want someone who can be my strength as well as my weakness..

I want someone who likes me equally or more than I do..

I want someone who can change me without making me realize the change...

I want someone who can be empathetic with me, but not pity me..

I want someone who can understand me better than I do..

I want someone who can make me strong enough to realize my dreams..

I want someone who can protect me when I fall down..

I want someone who can make me smile when I cry..

I want someone whom I can talk to for hours, but don't realize that days have passed by..

I want someone whom I can be silent with, but still feel that I had the best conversation..

I want someone who can listen to me without complaining, and without giving lectures..

I want someone who can see me like I am, but does not compare me..

I want someone who can accept me like I am, but does not judge me..

I want someone who can see my strength, but does not point out that I am weak..

I want someone on whose shoulder I can cry, and still feel strong..

I want someone who can never let me be alone, but be with me just to be with me..

I want someone who can talk to me just to talk with me, and not that I am out alone..

I want someone who can keep me alive, when there is no hope at all..

I want someone who can make me love myself more than ever and more than anyone..

I want someone in front of whom I want to be anything and everything..and can be..

I want someone to whom I am the first resort for anything..

I want someone from whom I can want everything..

I want someone who will be always there for me and with me..

I want an answer to the question if I will ever get such a someone..

I want an answer to the question if you can ever be such a someone..

I want YOU to be the answer to my every question..

I want YOU to be the answer to my life..!!

P.S.: Again, a flow of words..!! Not intended, but couldn’t help..!!

My journey to US of A..!!!

11th of August, 2009. 1745 hrs. Rajiv Gandhi International Airport, Hyderabad. No sentiments. No emotional scenes. There wasn’t enough time to see everyone who came to send me off. I directly went through the gate. Checked in my baggage. Had 2 kgs of excess luggage in my cabin. I thought that I had a chance to go out and give back some of the extra things from my baggage to my parents who were waiting outside the gate at the airport with a hope that I’ll come out again and with a desire to see me for one more time before I board the Air India flight to Newark from Hyderabad. I was coming out when the security guard stopped me and asked me what the problem was. I said I have to give some of my luggage to my parents. He showed me a location and asked me to give it from there. I didn’t see the restriction and went directly to my parents, gave them 2 of my shirts (don’t think how 2 shirts weigh 2 kilos..I transferred the other content into my backpack..fortunately for me, its weight was not seen). But didn’t have enough time to talk with them and share any sentiments with them. I don’t know if I really wanted to be sentimental. Though I could not. And did not try to. (Shall not divert from the topic..May write a blog about it later). I said bye to everyone who came to send me off and was about to go right through the gate when I was stopped. Actually I wasn’t supposed to come out to that location. I was supposed to give back my things from an inner location. Obviously, I didn’t know that and the security guards sent me inside after a minute of serious fuss. [;)][:P]
That wasn’t a big problem, though (It'd have been). Went again into the airport, and straight to Gate 30-B (where I was supposed to board my flight) after immigration check and all the other routine checks. Waited for around 1 and half hrs inside before boarding the flight. Had a gentleman to chat with (we shared the same surname…) from the point of boarding to the point of getting down in Newark. My flight was at 2045 hrs. We were slowly called to board the flight at around 2025 hrs. That was a domestic flight from Hyderabad to Mumbai. A usual domestic flight without any leg space. Leave leg space.. I did not have space to put my cabin baggage on the flight. So, finally after sometime, the crew checked in my cabin baggage. I had only my backpack left with me. Thank God, I had my passport, boarding pass and I-20 in the backpack and not the cabin baggage. The flight was supposed to reach Mumbai by 2210 hrs or so. But, due to weather problems and some delay at the start in Hyderabad (the so called Indian punctuality), we reached the place around 2300 hrs. We had two security checks in Mumbai and then boarded the flight from Mumbai to Newark. Didn’t have enough time to sit in Mumbai airport. This flight was scheduled to depart at 0115 hrs (not sure of the timings…its been long time and my memory is not as strong as it used to be. Another blog on my mind and memory later :P). But, the flight was delayed by around an hour waiting for some passengers to arrive. And finally, the journey to the US of A started!!
Again the same problem…no enough leg space. But much better than the domestic flight. I wanted to watch some movies on the screen in front of me. But I didn’t know how to operate it. Was shy to ask the crew members, which I should have. The worst part was that I couldn’t sleep well due to many reasons and there was a pair sitting right beside me, slept peacefully cuddling one another (not to be discussed much.. [;)][:P]). But somehow, just before reaching Frankfurt, asked the crew how to operate it. After that, I realized that I couldn’t find the headphones. Again called the crew for help. Then I didn’t know where the slot to put the headphone was. Was afraid to call them again. But just before reaching Frankfurt, asked and found out. Whoa…what a discovery finally and what an achievement!! Reached Frankfurt at around 0630 hrs (local time), just when I was seeing Jodha Akbar. Everyone was asked to get down to clean the flight. So, we went down to the transit terminal and waited for around an hour and were called back into the flight. This time, I had to change my place. Exchanged it for a guy who wanted to sit with a girl beside me (the previous pair got down at Frankfurt. These were some new ppl). Being so soft hearted, I donated my seat to him and went to his only to find out that I was sitting right beside a giant (That guy was so huge..couldn’t believe how he fit into that small place, when I, myself, had problems adjusting in the seat). Felt very sleepy due to the lack of sleep (:?) in the night. So, slept as soon as I went to that seat, only to be woken up by the crew to serve breakfast (who knows what it is or should be called? all the timings have changed!!) Whatever it is, ate that and watched the rest of Jodha Akbar. Felt sleepy after that. Slept but didn’t have a good sleep (no..its not ‘coz of the giant sitting beside me…but I couldn’t sleep). Finally landed at Newark airport 1 hr behind the schedule at around 11.20 AM (again, local time). Had no problems at all with the immigration and customs. Though took time to find my luggage. Came out of the airport. And realized that I’ve landed in US of A, the so-called land of whatever, I don’t remember!! :P
P.S :- I’ve mentioned ‘crew’ throughout and not ‘airhostess’. Some of them were air'hosts'. And the so-called hostesses were not as I expected them to be. All of them are middle aged. :( AI let me down. :( :( :( :P