Drabble #1: Aham Brahmasmi!

 

He said he lived a long time. They thought he was telling a story. He based his story on facts. They thought he pulled them out of a textbook. He argued that the facts came first and the textbook next. They thought he was arrogant. He said he was a man who was once revered. They thought he was Jesus. He said the sound was always John!

COFFEE DREAMS – 3

“I miss you..!”

“Why do all these conversations between us start like this?”

“None of them were ever intended to.”

“But somehow they always do.”

“Because these conversations happen only then.”

“How can you miss me when I have been here all this while?”

“I am in the quest for an answer for the same and I need your help.”

“How can I help you when the quest is yours? And why should I?”

“Because at some level, the quest is yours too. Because for some time, the journey is yours too.”

“What changed now?”

“Just a realization that we think similarly in most situations except when a conflict occurs.”

“Why does a conflict occur in the first place if we think similarly in most situations?”

“Perhaps there lies the conflict.”

“How is that a conflict?”

“As much as we empathize with each other on an emotional level and as much as we know about each other, there is still a lot we want to know about each other and want each other to know about ourselves.”

“True. But that doesn’t sound like a conflict.”

“It is not exactly a conflict by itself. But when we communicate with each other about that on different pages, a conflict arises.”

“How were we not on the same page in the first place?”

“There comes the point of freedom into the scene. When you want to know me, you kind of know what you want to know of me. You ask. I don’t. When I want to know you, I want you to decide what I should know of you. I want you to tell me what I know of you and what I don’t. I want you to tell me what I should know to know YOU. I believe in giving more freedom than I take.”

“Then, why don’t you tell when I ask?”

“I do tell. But I realized that what I tell is not always the truth. And I also realized that I don’t realize that I am not telling the truth.”

“What does that mean?”

“When a person changes, he changes towards a particular vision of his own. So was I. I was trying so much to be the person I wanted to be that I always told myself that I became that person. But a conflict arises when you are not exactly the person you wanted to be YET, but you say you are. And when a situation which tests your character comes to the fore, you can never be sure which trait comes forward.”

“Hmmm… Why don’t you ask what you want to know?”

“I am scared of taking liberty. I am scared because that makes me call you a friend.”

“Am I not?”

“You are. And no one is better than you are. You are the closest who came to being called one.”

“What stopped you?”

“The same conflict which brought up this discussion in the first place.”

“You still can.”

“There is not enough time.”

“Did time ever stop anything from happening that’s bound to happen?”

“Never. But from my vanity point, I see a limited time available. There is a lot of ground to be recovered and covered. The question is whether to make the best use of the limited time, or not care enough about it because the time is limited.”

“What now?”

LONG DUE..

Long due was a long conversation

Long due was a long drive for the same

Long due was a nod of approval

Long due was a hug of relief.

Never before was the truth so honest

Never before was honesty so simple

Never before was simplicity so pure

Never before was purity so true.

True came the coffee dreams

True were the hidden truths

True were the untold words

True came everything except the fears.

Unasked question were answered

Untold feelings were unmasked

Uncomfortable silence was far

Unanticipated changes reminisced

The heart is light and the mind now calm,

For pouring the heart in and out,

With a spoon of sugar and a pinch of salt,

Life has just become more beautiful..!

AND THE BELLS RANG..

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon.

I was sitting in the living room trying to fix a broken tape-recorder giving an impression of omniscience to the outsiders, but the truth evident to everyone that I do not know anything electrical – one of the reasons why I couldn’t clear IIT-JEE mains. My father came into the house with a tired but happy expression, after which looked like a hectic but successful morning behind him, and said, “Get ready fast. We have to go see the girl.”

My parents have been looking for a suitable girl for me from the past few weeks.

We went to the girl’s house and knocked on the door. Her father opened the door and welcomed us in. And there she was standing in a black t-shirt and white shorts cleaning the dust on some books. She welcomed us and went inside to get ready. I was shocked at seeing her attire that I didn’t have the time to look at her face or her beauty. And my thoughts started wandering everywhere – “How will a conservative and traditional family like mine  accept a girl who is in a t-shirt and shorts when the boy’s family goes to see her?”

While my mind is messing itself up with all such thoughts, she entered back into the living room decked in a red pattu saree, in perhaps shockingly the least amount of time I saw a woman dress up. And my brain stopped thinking and went blank looking at her beauty. I did not realize I was just staring at her until she came to me and said, “C’mon. Let’s go.”

And there I go into shock again! I was not sure how much time passed after we came, or what our dads were talking, or where our moms were (of course, kitchen!), or what her father was asking me. May be, my brain was thinking too much to listen to anything else – until she came. I wasn’t sure what to respond and looked at her father for permission. Her father nodded smiling, “We will give you both some time.Talk to each other and come back.” I was surprised at the response because he hasn’t asked me any questions that a guy is asked in an arranged marriage – or at least what I thought would be asked. May be, he did and may be, I answered. I was in a shock to remember anything that happened until then.

We went for a walk. I felt the flood of happiness drowning me. I didn’t know why. I haven’t talked to her yet. I haven’t looked her in the eyes yet. I haven’t heard her voice yet. Yet, I was walking on clouds. I slowly turned my face to look at her. And I realized she was talking. I tried to listen to what she was saying. I couldn’t. I realized I was just staring at her. I pinched myself to come to senses and to listen what she was talking. She wasn’t talking about marriage, life after that, her, me or us. She was just talking randomly – like you talk to a very old friend – like you talk to yourself – like you talk to the soul which defines you. At the same time, I also realized that she talks a lot – and it was the same thing that makes her so beautiful and complete.

A lot of questions popped up in my mind then. “I am a good listener and I can listen to her for any long. But if at all I want to talk, will she give me a chance to talk?”, “If she talks so much, will she take the decisions and be the head of the house and make me a puppet?”, “I have some questions which I want to ask her now. How can I stop her?” I knew the answer. But, with a sense of doubt, I slowly looked behind. Our dads were walking few yards behind us and moms few feet behind them. They also wanted to talk and perhaps, they also found the unconfined space of the roads better than the confined space of a living room. I looked at my dad trying to ask all these doubts in mind. He replied with the most satisfactory smile I have ever seen of his and looked at my mom. She understood his smile and looked at her little kid grown up. They were smiling at my helpless happiness.

And that was my answer to all the questions. It was the same happiness which anyone would ever want in a life to start together, irrespective of all the questions that pop up.

Gathering all the courage from within, I stopped her and asked her the most important question for an answer I was supposed to know, “What is your name?” She started laughing.

The bells started ringing. I slowly turned to my side. It was 4:15 AM and it was my first alarm for the morning!

COFFEE DREAMS – 2

“I missed you..!”

“After all this time?”

“Always!”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing more than what was said.”

“But there are others for you.”

“I don’t miss talking with them. Because I talk with them.”

“Why do you have to talk with me?”

“Because I want to. Because you talk well with many people and I also want to be one of them.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No. Not jealous because someone else has something which I don’t have. It is just that I too could have had that.”

“Chance? Or choice?”

“Chance, once. Choice, now.”

“Sometimes all you have to do is ask.”

“I want to. But I fear the response.”

“What do you think the response will be?”

“Another set of questions just like everything that came out of your mouth until now.”

“What do you want the response to be?”

“After all this… I don’t know.”

“What if you had a choice to go back?”

“I would choose the same what I chose and be where I am. I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.  And I don’t regret any of the choices I made. In fact, I am happy I made those.”

“What is it you would want to change then?”

“The results of those choices.”

“Why do you think it has become so complicated?”

“Because we don’t live in the past. But the past doesn’t go anywhere. Every day that passes by, a day is added to it from the future.”

“But the present remains always the same. Just one day. Just this moment.”

“Yes. This moment. The same moment which defines me or you or anyone, for that matter. The present. The only consolation between all the confusions.”

“What is the confusion?”

“Whether to call or not. Whether to meet or not. Whether to explain or not. Whether to want to do all these or not. I miss the friendship that was. Not that I can be the same person I was nor do I expect you to be the same person you were. But when I see people around us happy with their friendships with others, with you and with me, it makes me wonder if we could be the same old friends again.”

“I do not want to be called a friend by anyone nor will I call someone one.”

“That does not stop you from being one.”

HAPPYNESS.. JUST A CHOICE!!

This post was due almost 3 months ago when I just returned from India. Been busy and lazy all this while.

The outcome of my trip to home was Happyness. Before leaving for India, I was a little skeptical about being comfortable at home after staying two years away from family and all kinds of relations. I know I changed a lot in the two years (so much that I don’t exactly remember what I was, those 2 yrs ago). I learned a lot. I unlearned a lot more. I lost a little. I gained a lot more. I laughed a little, but smiled a lot. I heard a lot, but listened a little. I became serious. I was not sure if I would have fun the way I used to with my mom. I grew up. But frankly, I was never a small child to my mom than I was during this trip. Every moment I was in India, I was really happy. And the happyness was absolute child-like, nothing in it being childish. I knew the reason why. I chose it to be.

There was a day or two where my dad and I had deep intellectual discussions about happyness. My dad was pleasantly surprised with my arguments and my mom, genuinely shocked. There were role reversals. There were talks with my grandfather – some of which made him proud. There were times of laughter with the few friends – I don’t remember the reason except that I was responsible for some of them. There were meetings with teachers, who were genuinely pleased to see an old student after a long time. There were other moments too, where I had to think quite a lot before making a statement because of the long gap. There was happyness all over. Again, I knew the reason why. I chose it to be.

Before leaving to India, I was skeptical about being myself there. That was because I tried staying away from people for most of the time I was in U.S. I was not sure if I could accept so many people around me. But surprisingly, it felt good. That made me skeptical about my return to U.S. I was not sure if I would not cry before leaving India for the second time. I was not sure if all those moments I had in India, would not haunt me as memories once I reach U.S. I was not sure if I could live alone, which I was planning to. It has been three months. I did not cry – not even close. I am smiling all the time. The memories never haunted. They just linger. And I live alone now – happily. I know the reason why. I chose to be.

This does not mean I want to live alone forever. This does not mean I will stay away from people forever. This does not mean I will not call anyone a friend forever. But, this also does not mean that I will like it if someone decides something for me. I hate it when someone states that I am angry when I am not. I hate it when someone takes control over my state of being. I know the reason why. I am the person who has to choose it to be for myself – not someone else.

For me, happyness is a much heavy and profound word than mere happiness. I do not care to reason why. If a grammatical error is making me happy-er, I will happy-ly choose that. For I have realized that happyness is just a choice. I have realized that long back and have been choosing it ever since. My trip to India is just a recent proof of that. Every moment is just a matter of choice. One of the choices is always happyness. And you know what I chose! J

A Conversation With The Soul I Am A Part Of - II

“I do not care. I am indifferent towards everything. When I say this, the first impression anyone gets about it is negative. I mean to say, I am a witness (‘sakshi’) to everything – even to myself. When Ramana Maharshi was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, he watched his body being wasted by the disease as a spectator – as a witness (‘sakshi bhoothudai choosaru’). If something happens to me, I do not care about it because I see myself as a third person. I do not know the feeling someone else feels. In the perspective of a spectator, I see something happening to someone and incidentally, that someone happens to be me. If I cannot feel the pain experienced by someone else, how will I feel the pain myself? Hence, I do not care about myself. And when I do not care about myself, how can anyone expect me to care about someone else?

I do not share anything. Because I do not have anything to share. I do not find anything important enough to share. I am a very happy man. I don’t have any worries. I don’t have any sadness. I do not think many would want to accept that. I have had people telling me that I have something hidden in my heart and feeling frustrated about it. That is because I do not share anything. But the way I see it, I feel that they do not want me to be happy. Mostly because, they try to convince me that I am not happy by saying that I am lying to myself – and by trying so, they want me to share something with them. First, I do not have anything to share. Second, if at all I wanted to share something and I have not told you about it that means I do not want to tell you about it in the first place. I do not see why people cannot understand that simple point. I do not see why people cannot accept me as a happy man. And these people are most of the times called friends by many.

I do not judge anyone or any action. I will not say this is good and this is bad. I leave it to their choice and will never force my decision. I will not even suggest or advice. I do not want my influence on anyone’s decisions or choices the same way I do not want anyone’s influence on my choices. I do not want to be answerable to anyone nor do I want anyone to be answerable to me. I do not want to be inspired by anyone nor do I want anyone to be inspired by me. I do not follow anyone nor do I want anyone to follow me. I will enter someone’s life only to the extent that they do not credit me for something good or blame me for something bad that happens with them. In the same way, I will not let anyone enter into my life that I will need to credit them or blame them. I do not have any intention of living someone else’s life nor do I have a desire to let someone else live my life. Because I have a life to live as much as anyone else. And I will live it to the fullest – in my way – as much as I want everyone to live their life – in their way.

I look at things objectively. Did I learn it from Ayn Rand’s books? I would say, no. I learnt it from one of the highly regarded scriptures, Ramayana. Did Valmiki ever mention that Rama is good and Raavana is bad in it? He just mentioned the qualities of Rama and Raavana and left the choice to our own wise discretion. I have seen many followers of objectivism being atheists. I am not – not that I am a staunch follower of objectivism or any other school of philosophy, for that matter. I believe in God as much as I believe in my own existence. I believe that He is the force behind and beyond everything. He is the capability behind my thought. He is the strength in my decision. He is the capacity of my choice.

I have many more books to read. Many more things to learn – to understand – to develop. As Robert Frost said, “Miles and miles to go before I sleep”. The next book I started reading is “My Experiments with Truth”. There are two reasons why I took up this book. One reason is the title. A wonderful one. Truth. Second reason is that I just completed a book in which the protagonists do not care and this book is an autobiography of a person who cared and sacrificed everything for his nation. I want to understand both the ends of the spectrum. I want to learn without judgment. In the words of Prahlada to his father Hiranyakasyapa, Dad, I am learning the essence of knowledge (chaduvulalo saaramella chaduvuthunnanu, tandri).”

A Conversation With The Soul I Am A Part Of - I

“I’m 22 years old. I will be turning 23 shortly. It is time I develop a way of life for myself without depending on others. It is time I develop a character for myself. I have been reading a book from almost the past 2 years. It is Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged”. I couldn’t complete it for this long because it disturbed me a lot. It shattered all my beliefs, all the basics of so-called morality I learnt from my childhood. Having come from an orthodox and a conservative family, I found it very disturbing until one day, when I realized that every book has its own interpretation by each person. And I was trying to base my understanding on others’ interpretations and the way they changed/developed their ways of life. That was disturbing to me rather than the book itself. I started re-thinking about everything Ayn Rand said in her books and compared it to the scriptures and other books you have made me read from childhood. That is when I realized that we actually don’t follow what is said in the scriptures to the point. When we see someone who can be so ‘moral’ and so ‘correct’, we find fault in them. And the heroes of her books were always such someone. No wonder, Ayn Rand is more ill-read than well read.

I don’t call anyone a friend. Because I value that word so much that I do not want to use the word for anyone and I did not find anyone worth calling so. I should say the value of that word is lost when I see people calling everyone they meet as a friend. And I have seen people being influenced by the so-called friends and many a time, wrongly. There is one more reason for me not calling anyone a friend. The moment I call someone a friend, they take the liberty to think or say that they understood me well or know me very well. I don’t like it. I don’t want anyone to understand me. I only want them to understand what I say. (ardham chesukovataniki ‘manasu matalu kaaduga’). I don’t like anyone to say that they know me because that would be a lie. Give me the same situation twice and there is no guarantee that I would behave in the similar way. How can anyone take the liberty of saying that they know me when they haven’t come across the same situation the second time, yet??

I don’t have something called fear. I don’t fear to say proudly that I made a mistake if I really made one. I am always willing to make another mistake – but never the same one again. I learn from it, as do everyone else. What are the reasons for anyone to fear? Fear of not meeting some expectations – fear of some kind of loss – and the third and the most important one perhaps, fear of death. Firstly, I do not expect anything. Second, I do not care enough to care about any kind of loss. That answers the first two fears. Death is not something which someone can experience. You call something an experience when you come back to share it. But no one came back to share their experience of death. For all those who think death is painful, I disagree. Pain is an experience. You know pain only after you feel it. But, there is nothing after death to feel. So, there is no pain. I don’t fear death.

I stopped lying. I do not lie because I do not fear. People lie only because of fear. They lie mostly for small things. I do not have a reason to lie. I consciously made a decision to speak only the truth and moreover, only to live in reality. Because truth is true, reality is final. I demand what I deserve – not an ounce more and not a penny less.” 

Coffee Dreams

“I missed you..!”

“Wasn’t that your choice?”

“I don’t think so. May be, I didn’t expect this to happen when I made the choice.”

“Is this a moment of weakness?”

“I don’t want it to be just a moment.”

“What do you want it to be then?”

“I want to know what it is.”

“Will you regret this later?”

“I don’t know. I may. I may not. But I don’t want to stop myself at this moment.”

“I will not stop you if you say that. What do you want to talk?”

“I don’t know what to talk. I don’t know what to ask. But, I definitely know that I want to talk.”

“Are you confused?”

“Not in my thoughts. May be, in my words or in the conversion of thoughts into words. May be, I am just nervous. May be, I am just excited to talk to an old friend.”

“Hmmm...”

“You changed.”

“Yes, I did. I changed the way you asked me to and became the person you wanted me to be… except that you weren’t there. And I changed not because you asked me to. I changed because I had to.”

“You never asked anything that day. You just wanted to leave.”

“I never asked you anything the day you entered. So, I did not deserve to ask you that day. I just had to accept it and I did.”

“Didn’t you want to fight it?”

“Perhaps, I would have hadn’t you said earlier that you did not want to help it.”

“Why did you have to return those?”

“I did not want to carry any memories. I wanted to forget them. But then I realized that forgetting a memory is a contradiction and contradictions do not exist.”

“Did that realization help?”

“Yes. I realized that the only thing that can be changed with memories is the way we look at them. When those are special, we associate with them emotionally. Else, they become just objective memories.”

“Why do you escape pain? Pain is such a beautiful thing!”

“I don’t escape pain. I avoid suffering. Because I realized the unimportance of it.”

“I didn’t want to say those words which can give you complete control over me. Moreover, I felt that the emotion required to complete the relation for a life time could not be put in such a few words.”

“I understood that very clearly. I knew the reality too. I wanted to fight it. If not, I wanted the same emotion to remain for the most time only when it is possible.”

“I was afraid to join the ocean.”

“You were seeing the sharks. But I was seeing the endless water there.”

“I want my friend back. I want to share some more moments and have some more memories.”

“You do have friends!”

“I want the friend I used to wait for long to meet. I want the friend for whom I used to cry. I want the friend I missed and am missing. Most importantly, I want my friend to have a friend. For the sake of the memories that were sweet. For the sake of those moments that were special. For the sake of the friendship that was.”